Day 18: What Am I Afraid Of?

Day 18 of the 31 Day Blog Challenge: What Am I Afraid of?

"I see," said Lupin thoughtfully. "Well, well...I'm impressed." He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry's face. "That suggests that what you fear most of all is – fear. Very wise, Harry."

“I see,” said Lupin thoughtfully. “Well, well…I’m impressed.” He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry’s face. “That suggests that what you fear most of all is – fear. Very wise, Harry.”

I wish I could say that I’m like Harry Potter, and that my greatest fear was fear itself. Although, being afraid does scare me, it is not my greatest fear. I think that my greatest fear is heights, but there’s definitely a deeper meaning behind it.

I remember when we were looking for a new house when I was little, my brother wanted one with stairs. I didn’t, though I don’t remember voicing that opinion too loudly. See, I get dizzy when I’m high up. Climbing new stairs makes my vision go all wacky and crazy when it’s a flight or more. But its not actually the height that bothers me so much. It’s the fear of falling. The fear of failing.

I’m scared of not succeeding in what I want to do, and a fear of heights is a tangible way of explaining it. I’m scared of physical heights, as well as metaphoric heights. I don’t necessarily want to be at the top because it means I can fall. At the same time, my competitive nature leaves me yearning for those top positions, to be the best that I can be. But when I feel like there’s a chance I could fall, I won’t even try.

I’m working on it, though. When I was in college, I lamented the fact that I was not (and am not) a dancer. All of my college friends were great dancers (for the most part), and one of my best friends offered to teach me how to dance (she is an AMAZING dancer, and ended up as one of the captains of the college Dance Team in our Junior Year. My reaction was along the lines of “If I’m going to learn how to dance, I’d want to be good enough that I could make the dance team.” Now, I had no desire to be on the dance team, but that was a height I could climb to and fall from if I tried to learn how to dance, and it kept me from really trying. Since graduating college, I have taken dance classes. I’ve done tap and ballroom, and I try to have fun with it. Rather than letting my fear of falling and failing hold me back, I try to move past it. Some times more successfully than others.

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